In the countless books I’ve read looking for ways to overcome the pain of infidelity and move past betrayal, this book has impacted me the most.
I have been searching for ways to soothe my pain for years, waiting for the day when I would no longer experience emotional triggers, negative self-talk and sleepless nights even though I would collapse into my bed at the end of the day from pure exhaustion.
This book helped me realize that infidelity is a form of trauma. Trauma doesn’t always appear in extreme circumstances like rape, physical abuse, neglect or natural diasters.
Trauma is Universal
Trauma also manifests into the physical. The author clearly states, trauma doesn’t go away on its own. Some of the ways my clients and I have experienced trauma is in the form of disease and other symptoms like:
- Difficulty focusing and completing tasks
- Fear, overwhelm, anxiety, stress, panic attacks and worry
- Self-doubt and lack of confidence, self-esteem or self-worth
- Chronic fatigue, exhaustion, difficulty sleeping and relaxing
- Hypervigilance or the opposite, dissociation and avoidance
- Gut-health like ulcers, colitis, irritable bowel syndrome and even cancer
The Impact of Trauma
The author explains trauma as kinda like having a splinter in your finger. When the body senses a foreign object, it sends a signal to the brain activating the fight, flight or freeze response.
Since the memory of the traumatic event or Discovery can be ongoing, the brain is constantly firing and sending fight, flight or freeze signals to the brain. This activates powerful emotions.
This is why addressing the pain from an emotional standpoint like reasoning or trying to understand Why, will not lesson the memory of the trauma or any intense feelings.
Addiction to Trauma
Ongoing trauma can lead to numbing out which will in turn keep you from responding to the needs of your body. If you’re unaware of what your body needs, you can’t fix it.
It’s kind of like putting your hand on a hot stovetop. If you’ve numbed out the feeling in your hand, you wouldn’t know that your hand was being severely burned and needed treatment.
The author highlights a common phenomenon he calls the “addiction to trauma”. He explains why traumatized people repeatedly attract the same people and situations. If you’re chronically numbing out, it’s difficult to distinguish between safety and danger, healthy and unhealthy.
They may deflect attention from dealing with underlying issues and instead of taking control of their own fate, they medicate and ignore.
The number of people treated for depression has tripled over the past two decades.
Learning to Trust Again
One of the most devastating effects of trauma is the loss of the ability to trust those who violated and betrayed them.
Seeking support from others who experienced similar situations will help alleviate isolation, depression and the shame over what happened.
Letting go of feelings of guilt and shame is part of recovery; forgiveness is the other part. Forgiving oneself for what happened and realizing it was not your fault will minimize feelings of unworthiness.
I highly recommend reading this book as it threads scientific research together with clinical practice and new treatment methods... like those in our practice.
If you feel your body is holding on to trauma,
Watch the Free Case Study for more information about how we can help you release those harmful triggers.
